Sometimes I laugh when I think about a year ago and then look around at today. No one ever means a word they say.
Im sad Ive ruined this blog with negativity and anger and sadness. But it has been a true ally during my hard times, my way to vent.
I was truly happy today. And theres not even a specofoc reason why. Good mood all day, until after crossfit when I was dead. But it was a different feeling than I have had in forever.
I just want to sleep in my bed. Not hungover, just tired. I don’t want to go to crossfit even though I want the results. #slacker
Winter makes me want to build cocoons. In my comforter.
I don’t want a boyfriend, I’m not ready for one and no one wants to be mine right now anyway lol, but it really would just be nice to be able to rent one for a day to lay with me and do all the comforting things a boyfriend who cares about you would do. Just for a day, it’d be nice.
Why was I so delusional to ever think I wanted it could get that out of you? A switch just flicked in my head and its been flickering on and off for a few months right now but I see the “light” and it is blinding me now. Everything I thought was real is a lie and a joke and everything that I defended you for I shouldn’t have and you say just because you don’t show you care doesn’t mean you don’t care but you don’t care about how much of a piece of shit you made me feel you’re selfish and you’re not even my friend. I really did love you but now I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I let anyone make me feel like this longer than a week let alone the 7 months that I let this go on for. Annie was right, that should never happen.
So where are you now, where are you now? Do you ever think of me in the quiet in the crowd?
You were strangely less in pain than you were cold. Triumphant in your mind of the logic that you hold.
No one would ever know the love that we had shared. As I took my leave to go it was clear you didn’t care.
I hear of your comings and goings in the town. I hear stories of your smile I hear stories of your frown.Sometimes I think back on Colin and he’s such a prick now but I heard this song and really listened to it for once and tears just started to fall. So much of who I am is because of him. We grew up together. It’s so sad to think about it sometimes. And then I remember love…I don’t know if it exists anymore.